Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
