come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
