Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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