the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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