I wish I could punch you in the face.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
