Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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