i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
