Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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