Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
