i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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