i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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