ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
as a side note pls kill me
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