respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
