Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
