Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
