Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
