i need an iv and a liver transplant
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
