im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
