I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I touched a dick in church today
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
