he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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