whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
