guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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