dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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