dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
