our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
