If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
