Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
