I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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