Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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