my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
