dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
