I faked an abortion last night.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
