I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
