The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
