"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
