It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
