She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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