Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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