It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
