Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
