I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I need water and some morals
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
