Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
