Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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