i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
