it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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