he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
