Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
