So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
