Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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