he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize