fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
