I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
