Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
