booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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