were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize