I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
