I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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