can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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