8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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