My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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