I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
