You kept calling me your small dog last night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
