I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
